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Exploring ADHD Couples Therapy: Strategies for Success

Couples counseling, when one or both partners have an ADHD diagnosis, focuses on improving communication and understanding within relationships affected by adult ADHD. Couples therapy helps partners develop skills to enhance empathy, manage symptoms, and support each other effectively by addressing unique challenges such as distraction, impulsivity, and emotional regulation. This therapeutic approach is tailored to help both partners navigate the complexities of ADHD, fostering a stronger, more understanding relationship.

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Written by

Tayler Hackett

TMAC Editorial Manager & Trainee Psychotherapist

Reviewed by

Clare Dudeney

In this Article

Reviewed by

Clare Dudeney

A word form our expert

Thriving As A Couple With ADHD: Insights From A Couples Therapist

Ever thought about how ADHD might be playing a role in your relationship's ups and downs, and what you could do to strengthen your connection? Balancing ADHD within a relationship definitely comes with its set of challenges - but it also opens up lots of opportunities to grow closer. 🌱

In this article, we're diving into:

  • Understanding ADHD in Relationships: We'll explore how ADHD symptoms can shake things up in a relationship, affecting everything from daily chats to big decisions and emotional moments.
  • Communication Approaches for Neurodiverse Couples: We've got some savvy techniques to help improve dialogue and understanding, especially tailored for couples navigating the waters of ADHD.
  • Managing Everyday Life Together: Looking for practical tips to tackle daily tasks like chores and finances? We've got strategies that help both partners work better together.
  • The Role of Empathy and Understanding: Discover ways to develop more empathy and understanding between you and your partner. This will help you both look past the ADHD symptoms and connect on a deeper level.
  • Strengthening the Relationship Bond: We'll share some ideas for nurturing your relationship through shared activities and meaningful connections that bring you closer.
  • Seeking Support When Needed: Sometimes, a little professional help can go a long way. We'll discuss the importance of recognizing when it might be time to seek couples therapy or ADHD coaching to give your relationship a healthy boost.

If you're feeling frustrated from clashing with your partner, hang in there - it doesn't have to be this way! With some smart adjustments, you can tap into the strengths of neurodiversity to craft a relationship that's as special as you both are. Keep reading to find out how. 😊

Meet The Expert: Neurodiverse Couples Therapist, Clare Dudeney

Image featuring a therapist named Clare Dudeney with the title 'ADHD Couples Therapist' and decorative light rays, introducing a professional in the field.

Clare is a distinguished therapist at The Humanistic Autistic, bringing over 15 years of expert experience to the table. 👍Clare is not only a trained counselor but also brings her personal insights into play, being diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and dyspraxia as an adult. Her unique blend of professional knowledge and personal experience makes her exceptionally qualified to assist neurodivergent individuals and couples navigate their unique journeys. She's also the latest of our brand-new expert ADHD contributors! 🥳

During our conversation with Clare, we discussed some of the most pressing challenges that couples face when one or both have ADHD - and how best to handle them. Her insights and advice are not just informative; they're a source of reassurance and confidence that can help you build the connection you deserve. 🥰

Simple text on a white background stating 'ADHD can impact many aspects of our lives, including our love life...', hinting at the challenges ADHD might pose in relationships.

Does ADHD Affect Relationships?

Absolutely, it does! When one or both people in a couple have ADHD, it can spice up the relationship with some unique challenges. 🌶️

ADHD symptoms like difficulties with communication, disorganization, and emotional regulation can significantly affect the dynamics of a couple. These challenges can lead to conflict, miscommunication, and emotional disconnect, impacting the overall health of the relationship. 😥

Let's explore the ways in which ADHD traits can lead to these issues in relationships. 👇

Getting Annoyed When Interrupted

With a million thoughts running through your head, interruptions can be a big frustration. 😠It’s common to feel thrown off or even annoyed when your train of thought is disrupted, whether you’re deep in a task or mid-conversation.

Struggling to Pay Attention

Losing focus during conversations can leave your partner feeling undervalued, and important emotional cues might be missed. Clare shares her personal experience, "As an individual with ADHD, my capacity for focus and working memory are daily and complex struggles. I might appear absent at times in conversations with my partner, or forget something significant to him. Yes, I’m a therapist with ADHD, and I deal with these issues too! But I've developed strategies over the years that help me truly listen when my environment is conducive."


Forgetting dates, details, or decisions can hurt a relationship, making your partner feel unimportant. This can be particularly challenging when managing daily life and responsibilities together, such as forgetting to pay important bills. 😬

Over time, this kind of forgetfulness can have disastrous consequences. For example, the ADHD partner's issues with memory can adversely affect finances, potentially leading to lowered income and increased outgoings for both partners. As Gina Pera notes in a recent blog article on her website, ADHD-related traits can significantly impact financial management. It is crucial for couples to work together on identifying financial goals and implementing ADHD-informed habits to help meet those goals, thereby stabilizing their financial situation and reducing relationship distress.

Clare further emphasizes the significance of understanding each other’s challenges with executive functions, such as memory, which are common in ADHD. She points out, "The challenges with executive functions like memory can often be misunderstood as not caring, but this is often far from the truth." This misunderstanding can lead to unnecessary relationship distress, highlighting the importance of empathy and communication in navigating ADHD-related challenges together.


Impulsive decisions or blurting out thoughts can create misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Clare explains, "Impulsivity can lead to actions without fully considering the consequences, impacting our relationships deeply. It can also lead us into spirals of shame and hiding things from our partners, which can test trust."

Handling Criticism

Being receptive to feedback without feeling personally attacked can be tough, especially if you're affected by rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Clare elucidates, "Rejection sensitivity shows up powerfully in relationships. A shift in my partner’s tone can evoke feelings of impending rejection or judgment, which I feel intensely. Learning to manage these feelings has been crucial to maintaining stability in my relationships."

Additionally, when a child in the family has ADHD, it can change the relationship dynamics even further. Parents may find themselves facing additional stresses, from remembering to pick up medication to managing behavior to aligning on parenting strategies. This added pressure whilst also navigating typical family life can add another layer of complexity to the couple’s relationship.

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Relationship Advice for ADHD Couples

So, we know that navigating a relationship where one partner (or both) has ADHD can definitely bring its own unique set of challenges. But here's the good news - you're not in this alone! 💕

In this section, we're diving deep into Clare's expert insights tailored for couples navigating ADHD. From enhancing communication to managing daily life, understanding each other better, and keeping the spark alive, we've got you covered with practical tips for every aspect of your relationship. ✨


It's often said that communication is key in any relationship, but when it comes to relationships where ADHD is in play, it's absolutely vital. 

Why? Because managing ADHD within a relationship introduces unique challenges that make effective communication tougher yet even more crucial for sustaining a strong, healthy connection.

Clare highlights the importance of continually exploring, trialing, and reviewing how you communicate, noting that navigating ADHD can bring extra nuances to how couples interact. Clare shares, "My partner and I often joke between us about the strengths we have in communication strategies for our relationship these days, and how much 'better' we appear to be at navigating an authentic relationship in comparison to some of our (neurotypical) couple friends 😂. However, that's down to the hard work and effort we've both put into each other over the years."

She points out that loving deeply, a common trait she observes in her clients with ADHD, should be met with equal parts attention, openness, and vulnerability. These elements are crucial for long-term, successful communication. Clare admits that honesty can often be challenging: "When we squirm and wriggle around subjects that feel threatening or hard, we move away from communicating authentically, and wires are more likely to get crossed."

However, emotional dysregulation can often complicate communication, especially when ADHD is involved. Clare discusses the challenges of emotional dysregulation in communication, explaining, "When emotionally dysregulated, we often can't access the deeper issue, or engage with our 'wise mind' - the part of our mind that encompasses both our emotions and reason, and can be reflective and calm - we just know that we're hurting." She advocates recognizing when to step away during heated moments as an effective 'in the moment' strategy. This allows both the ADHD partner and non-ADHD partner time to return to a calm state where you can talk things through properly and engage in a meaningful, productive conversation that addresses each person's concerns and needs.

Another approach Clare recommends is regular check-ins when you feel emotionally regulated. These sessions should include expressions of gratitude and care and provide a space to raise concerns or irritations. "My partner and I create space to tell each other all the things we feel we're doing well as a team, not just where we're feeling challenged," she shares.

Clare also mentions that some people find writing down their feelings helpful in communicating complex emotions or initiating difficult conversations. "Where's the rulebook that says we can't text or write to our partner just because we live with them? There isn't! You write the rulebook for your relationship." Sometimes, written communication can offer both parties little time and space for reflection before a face-to-face exchange, which can be particularly helpful in managing ADHD-related communication challenges. ✍🏽

Practical Communication Tips for Couples Managing ADHD

  • Living with ADHD means your communication needs to be flexible and ever-evolving. Make it a habit to chat about what’s working (and what’s not!) so you can keep shaping your communication in a way that best serves both of you.
  • Embracing openness is key - even when it’s tough. Remember, the deepest, most loving relationships thrive on honesty and vulnerability.
  • Keep an eye on emotional triggers. If things get heated, it’s okay to take a break and revisit the discussion when everyone’s calmed down.
  • Make time for regular check-ins when you’re both feeling stable. Use these moments to appreciate each other, air any concerns, and celebrate the wins, no matter how small.
  • If talking face-to-face feels overwhelming, don’t hesitate to write down your thoughts. Sending a text, email, or even a note can help you both process your feelings before diving back into the conversation.
  • Always aim for genuine conversations, particularly with tough topics. Be open about the effort involved in managing ADHD in your relationship and acknowledge the hard work you both put in.
  • Don;t forget to laugh and recognize the unique strengths each of you brings to your communications. Celebrating these can boost your confidence and help you see how far you’ve come together. 🌟

Managing Everyday Life

Managing the practical aspects of daily life can be particularly challenging for couples where one or both partners have ADHD. From household chores to managing finances and parenting, ADHD can introduce complexities that affect how tasks are handled, often leading to conflict or frustration. 😩

Clare explains, "As an Autistic ADHDer, I'm constantly balancing my need for structure, tidiness, and routine with my tendencies toward avoidance, inertia, and chaos. This personal battle extends into living with a partner, where I have to consider not only my needs but also those of my partner.

She notes that challenges with executive function can particularly raise tension in areas like household chores, priorities, and finances. 🧠 "Compassionate communication," she stresses, "is crucial in managing these areas together more effectively." Essentially, it's important to be able to understand the influence that an 'ADHD brain' has on this while also taking accountability.

Clare suggests implementing systems and routines tailored to the couple's specific needs to ease the day-to-day challenges. One simple yet effective strategy she mentions is having a laundry bag in every room upstairs to combat the common issue of clothes piling up on the floor - a small change that can prevent frequent arguments.

Moreover, Clare suggests regular check-ins to discuss priorities and responsibilities. "These check-ins can help stem or diffuse any misunderstandings or resentments that might be brewing," she advises. Discussing what needs to be done and who will do it can clarify expectations and reduce the mental load on the ADHD partner, making it easier to manage daily tasks without feeling overwhelmed. 🤯

Illustration of a couple with one partner apologizing for forgetting to do the dishes, accompanied by text about the challenges of ADHD in domestic life.

Practical Tips for Managing Home Life with ADHD

  • Tackle daily challenges with simple solutions, like popping a laundry bag in every room to keep clutter at bay.
  • Set aside time to discuss what's on the agenda and who's doing what. This keeps everyone on the same page and helps prevent any mix-ups.
  • When you’re talking through tricky topics like chores or finances, remember to keep the tone understanding and patient.
  • Create routines that provide structure but are flexible enough to adapt to those days where it’s tough to get moving.

Make space for each other’s unique needs and challenges, ensuring a balance between personal issues and shared responsibilities. This way, both partners feel supported and valued. 🌟

Developing Empathy and Understanding

Empathy and understanding are essential in any relationship - but they hold particular significance here, as they allow the non-ADHD partner understand ADHD, meaning they can appreciate the experiences and struggles of their ADHD partner better. 🥰

Clare emphasizes the importance of cultivating self-compassion to develop empathy towards others. "As trite as it may sound, if you learn to practice compassion for yourself, it really does broaden your capacity to extend it to your loved ones," she explains. Compassion allows individuals to feel heard, accepted, and loved, creating a safe space within the relationship. Clare points out, "Reminding ourselves that our own feelings are valid, which means that if we are hurting – we are hurting, and that feeling deserves acknowledgement and self-compassion."

She advocates for partners to recognize that all experiences are unique and relative to the individual experiencing them. "Part of the role of empathy and understanding in a relationship is to acknowledge, honor, and accept our partners in their wholeness," Clare states. This acceptance can be incredibly powerful and healing, especially for those managing ADHD. 🥺💕

In addition to compassionate communication, Clare recommends learning and understanding each other's 'love languages' - how individuals experience and receive care and love from their partner. She suggests initiating conversations with questions like, "What kinds of things can I do that will make you feel cared for by me?" Understanding whether your partner feels loved through acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, or receiving gifts can significantly enhance how care is expressed and received. 💌

For example, Clare shares how she incorporates 'micro-affections' into her interactions with her partner. "My partner feels cared for when I take a moment to be tactile. It's not a gesture that comes naturally to me, but becauseI know it builds connection with him, I remind myself to do it," she explains. 🤗Such small gestures, whether a cup of tea in the morning or taking out the bins, can profoundly impact the relationship.

Drawing of a couple looking at their reflections in a mirror, with a quote by Clare Dudeney about the importance of empathy and understanding in relationships, particularly those affected by ADHD.

She advocates for partners to recognize that all experiences are unique and relative to the individual experiencing them. "Part of the role of empathy and understanding in a relationship is to acknowledge, honor, and accept our partners in their wholeness," Clare states. This acceptance can be incredibly powerful and healing, especially for those managing ADHD. 🥺💕

In addition to compassionate communication, Clare recommends learning and understanding each other's 'love languages' - how individuals experience and receive care and love from their partner. She suggests initiating conversations with questions like, "What kinds of things can I do that will make you feel cared for by me?" Understanding whether your partner feels loved through acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, or receiving gifts can significantly enhance how care is expressed and received. 💌

For example, Clare shares how she incorporates 'micro-affections' into her interactions with her partner. "My partner feels cared for when I take a moment to be tactile. It's not a gesture that comes naturally to me, but becauseI know it builds connection with him, I remind myself to do it," she explains. 🤗Such small gestures, whether a cup of tea in the morning or taking out the bins, can profoundly impact the relationship.

A couple embracing, with text emphasizing the importance of empathy in neurodiverse relationships, with a reassuring message 'It's ok, you're doing your best.'

Tips for Enhancing Empathy and Understanding in ADHD Relationships

  • Start by being kind to yourself. When you recognize and validate your own feelings, it becomes easier to extend that empathy to your partner.
  • Remember, every feeling and experience is unique and deserves respect. Honor your partner’s emotions just as you would want yours to be treated.
  • Dive into meaningful conversations to discover how you can make each other feel cherished. Try asking, “What makes you feel most appreciated?” It’s a great way to learn more about what really matters to each other.
  • Show your care in ways that truly speak to your partner - whether it's a hug, a compliment, helping out, sharing quality time, or giving a thoughtful gift.
  • Make time to openly talk about your needs and feelings. These moments are perfect for expressing your care and addressing any concerns that might be bubbling under the surface.
  • When you’re listening, focus fully without thinking about how to respond. Reflect what you hear to show you really understand.
  • Always approach each conversation with a heart ready to understand, not just to reply. It’s about connecting on a deeper level, not just exchanging words.

Strengthening the Bond

Engaging in shared activities and nurturing common interests are essential to deepening any romantic relationship, particularly when one or both partners have ADHD. These shared experiences can significantly enhance connection and enjoyment together. 😍

Clare highlights the importance of shared activities for couples, especially when navigating the dynamics of ADHD. "As an ADHDer, I often have many interests at any given time that I enjoy immersing myself deeply in," she explains. Partners participating in these interests together provide a unique opportunity for connection. "These are opportunities to experience happy hormones together like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin – all helping to cultivate closeness and connection," Clare notes.

Even if the interests aren't shared, a non-ADHD partner's ability to understand and appreciate the other partner's special interests and passions can lead to a deeper connection. "Their interests are potential gateways into a deeper knowledge and understanding about them as a person and what's important to them, and so imagine how those gateways can increase the bond you have with them," she says.

Clare also stresses the importance of being heard, a common need that can go unmet in ADHD individuals. "As ADHDers we have often experienced not being listened to. When our partners take time to be curious with us about interests, we are being heard," she states. Listening and engaging - even if the interest isn't shared - can be a powerful way to show care and validation.

Cartoon showing two characters; one excitedly reading a book titled 'The Roman Empire', with text expressing the importance of partners in an ADHD relationship showing interest in each other's hobbies.

Practical Tips for Strengthening The Bond For ADHD Couples

  • Join your partner in their hobbies and interests. This could be anything from attending a class together to participating in a hobby they love.

  • Show genuine interest by asking questions, encouraging your partner to share stories and details about their interests, and showing enthusiasm for their passions.

  • Plan dates or activities around these interests. This could be as simple as setting up a movie night to watch films related to their favorite subjects or planning a visit to a museum that features a topic they love.

How Couples Counseling Could Help Your ADHD Relationship

Couples counseling can be an invaluable resource for partners where one or both individuals have ADHD. This can provide fresh perspectives and specialized approaches that cater specifically to the dynamics of ADHD relationships.

Clare emphasizes that couples therapy is not just a remedy for crisis situations; it can also enhance communication, care, and bonding between partners. "If one or more people are feeling unhappy and unable to be authentic in a relationship, then this might be a sign that seeking external support could be of value," she advises. Therapy offers a platform for both individuals to explore and understand each other's needs more deeply, helping to solidify their connection and manage ADHD more effectively. ✅

Clare notes that therapy could be particularly beneficial if partners feel they cannot be authentic or are persistently unhappy in the relationship. It helps address communication issues and emotional disconnects before they escalate into more significant problems.

Choosing the Right Therapist or ADHD Coach

Many couple therapists advertising their services online highlight their expertise in ADHD, indicating they are 'ADHD friendly' in their profiles. 🧐However, when selecting a counselor or ADHD coach, especially for dealing with ADHD and neurodiversity, it's important to take a closer look at their approach and background.

Clare suggests looking for:

  • Neuro-affirmative Language: Examine the professional's language in their advertising and communication. It should be positive and affirming toward neurodiverse individuals. ✅
  • Lived Experience and Expertise: Consider whether it is important for you or your partner that the counselor has personal experience with ADHD in addition to their professional qualifications. ✅
  • Commitment to Ongoing Learning: Ensure that the counselor or coach is committed to continuous learning about neurodiversity and adopts neuro-affirmative practices. ✅

Clare’s Services

Clare offers a comprehensive range of services tailored to individuals and couples dealing with ADHD. Her integrative therapeutic approach combines various methods, including cognitive-behavioral hypnotherapy, which focuses on achieving deep attention to reinforce new beliefs and behaviors that benefit individuals and couples. 

Couples counseling is available face-to-face and online, providing flexibility to accommodate different needs. Clare provides an initial consultation for those interested in initiating therapy to discuss how she can best serve your needs.

By connecting with couples therapists who genuinely understand ADHD and neurodiversity, you can be sure you're getting guidance that's perfectly tailored to your unique situation and needs. This supportive approach not only tackles the immediate challenges but also lays the groundwork for lasting understanding and growth in your relationship. 🌟

Illustrated characters standing side by side with text encouraging people to ask for help if they're struggling, representing support in ADHD relationships.

Final Thoughts

Understanding, communication, and mutual support are essential for any couple, but they hold particular importance for those navigating ADHD. These elements are vital for overcoming the unique challenges ADHD introduces in relationships.

Clare stresses the importance of vulnerability and self-compassion in relationships affected by ADHD. She states, "Being open, honest, and vulnerable with ourselves and our partners takes courage. That courage deserves compassion, starting with practicing self-compassion by acknowledging our bravery in speaking out our truths. Our openness is about being vulnerable in our relationships, and vulnerability is the gateway to deeper connections and bonds."

To further illuminate this point, Clare shares a quote that deeply resonates with her approach to overcoming shame through vulnerability: "There's one particular quote on this that I love, and it's by Brené Brown, who says 'If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.' This insight beautifully captures the transformative power of bringing our hidden struggles into the light. ✨

Remember, diving into couples counseling can be a game-changer in helping you both understand each other better and build a stronger, more supportive bond. If you feel like you could use some extra help, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional like Clare. She’s here to help you navigate the complexities of ADHD in your relationship and guide you toward a healthier, happier connection. 🌟

Key Takeaways

  • ADHD significantly affects relationship dynamics in various ways, including:
    • Communication issues: Misunderstandings and emotional disconnect often result from communication struggles, leading to conflict.
    • Disorganization and emotional regulation: These symptoms can disrupt daily interactions and exacerbate relationship misunderstandings.
    • Forgetfulness: Can negatively impact financial management and household responsibilities, adding significant stress to the relationship.
  • However, you can still create a healthy, loving ADHD relationship by:
    • Understanding each other, which is crucial to understand each partner's perspective and emotional triggers, particularly in ADHD-affected relationships.
    • Practicing open communication in order to address the unique challenges posed by ADHD effectively.
    • Sharing interests and participating in activities together strengthens bonds and improves mutual connection.
  • Clare’s expert recommendations for ADHD couples include:
    • Write it out; sometimes jotting down your feelings helps clarify complex emotions and avoids those pesky misunderstandings.
    • Regular check-ins ensure both of you feel heard and valued. It's all about maintaining that connection.
    • Continuously refine how you communicate. It's a journey, not a one-time fix.
    • Implement straightforward organizational methods to make daily tasks a breeze.
    • Regularly talk about who’s doing what at home to keep things fair and understood.
    • Be kind to yourselves. Understanding each other's love languages can really deepen that emotional bond.
    • Share hobbies and activities. It’s a great way to have fun and strengthen your bond all at once.
  • Couples counseling can be incredibly beneficial for managing ADHD in your relationship, offering specific tips and tricks tailored to your unique challenges. However, finding the right therapist is crucial - choose someone skilled in neuro-affirmative practices who truly understands ADHD. This way, you’re guaranteed to receive the effective guidance you need to navigate those relationship hurdles

Remember, navigating ADHD together isn’t just about tackling challenges - it’s also an opportunity to deepen your bond and enhance your understanding of each other. With the right support and strategies, your relationship can transform into a source of strength and joy. So, don’t hesitate to seek out the help and guidance you need when you need it. 🌟

What’s Next?

Want a more in-depth understanding of how ADHD impacts relationships? We’ve got you covered with these related articles. 👇

The Non-ADHD Partner's Guide to a Happy Relationship

The Complete Guide To Memory Issues & Adult ADHD

6 ADHD Triggers That Can Sabotage Your Cleaning Schedule

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

What are people with ADHD like in relationships?

People with ADHD bring a vibrant energy and unique creativity to relationships, often showing incredible empathy and a strong desire for shared experiences. However, navigating ADHD symptoms together calls for both partners to truly understand and support each other. You might notice challenges like distractibility, forgetfulness, and intense emotions - these are common. Still, you can strengthen your bond with open communication and a mutual agreement to tackle these issues head-on. It’s essential to employ strategies that help manage these traits effectively, ensuring that both of you feel connected and valued. Embracing these approaches with patience and understanding can transform your relationship dynamics, making every moment together even more rewarding.

How can I be intimate with ADHD?

Living with ADHD can sometimes complicate intimacy, especially since symptoms like distraction or impulsivity might make it hard to stay fully present during sex. But remember, intimacy isn’t just about physical closeness; it’s also about connecting deeply on an emotional and intellectual level. To enhance intimacy, focus on creating a supportive environment where both of you feel safe to express your thoughts and feelings openly. Practicing mindfulness and scheduling regular time alone together can help maintain focus and deepen your bond. Understanding and embracing each other’s needs is crucial in nurturing a fulfilling intimate relationship, ensuring both partners feel valued and connected.

What do people with ADHD need in a partner?

If you or your partner has ADHD, understanding, patience, and flexibility are golden. It really helps when partners are clued in about ADHD and how it shapes daily life and relationships. Chatting openly about the ups and downs and celebrating the wins together make a big difference. Plus, a little structure goes a long way. Encouraging routines and participating in them together can be a game changer in managing ADHD symptoms effectively. This kind of support is crucial, especially when tackling the unique challenges ADHD brings into a relationship.

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